


Without Wash

by cap_and_cyborg



Category: Firefly, Serenity (2005)
Genre: Angst, Post-Serenity (2005)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:54:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25041970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cap_and_cyborg/pseuds/cap_and_cyborg
Summary: A bit after the events of Serenity, Zoë finds out she's pregnant.  This is Mal's reaction.
Relationships: Hoban Washburne/Zoë Washburne
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Without Wash

Groaning, Mal eased himself into the pilot’s seat. It was worn to the shape of another body, one that would never sit there again, making him shift multiple times to get comfortable.

He looked out into the open space, trying to clear his thoughts, but as soon as he looked down all he could see was one of Wash’s ridiculous plastic dinosaurs.

“You son of a bitch,” he muttered, staring at the blue stegosaurus. 

He opened the bottle of sake he had blindly grabbed from the mess and took a huge gulp of it. He let it warm his insides as it went down, waiting for all sensations to drop away. He was ready to be numbed. This was a tried and tested method to make it easier for him to get through the really bad days, when the things he had seen and done nipped too closely at his heels.

Zoe would have joined him, too, back in the day. But, well… That wasn’t an option right now.

He continued to take swigs of the alcohol, until finally, blessedly, he began to feel that blur.

Mal’s gaze fell on the gorram dinosaurs again. He almost raised a hand to swipe them off the ledge, so that he wouldn’t have to think about the person that should be here, to play with them, sit in this chair, and be there for his wife.

“She’s pregnant,” Mal said, the words slurring. “And you’re gone. You gorram son of a bitch.”

The swearing felt as good as it made him feel guilty. He had been right there when Wash had been killed. It could have just as easily have been Mal to get shot. Or even Zoe. But it was Wash, the pilot. Mal’s pilot. So if anything, Wash’s death was just another one to weigh down Mal’s shoulders.

River had once said that Mal’s name meant “bad” in Latin. He wondered, briefly, seeing as she could peer into his head, if she knew of all the bad he had done.

Probably.

“You try not to think about it but you carry it with you like a scar,” a voice said behind him.

He was too drunk to jump or pull out his gun. Sake made him slow. It made him an easy target. But usually, if he was drinking this much, he didn’t really care about his wellbeing anyways.

River moved to sit in the other pilot’s seat.

“Hey, little one,” Mal muttered.

She looked out to the stars.

“I know,” River said quietly. “I knew.”

Mal took another swig, not answering. He had figured that River knew, probably before Zoe even did. But to hear her say it made him need to be more dulled to the world.

“I haven’t heard anything from it yet,” River said, as if to appease him.

Mal didn’t know what to say to that, so he just nodded. It took a lot of effort to raise his head.

“It’s not your fault, Captain,” River said, turning to look at him.

Mal laughed humorlessly. “Darlin’, you can try to convince me of that all you want, but I know the truth.”

“He didn’t blame you,” River said instead of refuting him.

That stopped Mal short.

“For all that you fought, he wanted to be here. It was home. Partly because Zoe was here, and she wouldn’t leave you, but also because he loved _Serenity_. He loved his family here. You were a part of that.”

_ I shouldn’t have been _ , Mal thought.

“But you were,” River answered him.

Mal got up abruptly. “Gonna finish this in my bunk,” he slurred, gesturing to the sake.

There was too much thinking happening. He didn’t want to feel, let alone think.

“Drink water,” was all River said.

After doing this so many times, Mal knew what to do. But he nodded anyway.

He had to walk passed Zoe’s room to get to his bunk. She hadn’t left it since she had told him earlier. She wasn’t in any mind to socialize.

Kicking his door open, he managed to descend the ladder without falling. He had done that before. The headache that had followed wouldn’t be as bad as the one he was probably going to have tomorrow, but it would be a close thing.

At least in his bunk, there wasn’t anything to remind him of other people. He kept it tidy. Sparse. Everything tucked away.

He wished that he could do that in his head, too.

Days like these, he felt the weight of all the dead people haunting him dragging him a little closer to the edge. The sake helped, it made their grip less strong. But he still felt their pull.

A baby. What in the hell are they supposed to do with a baby on their ship? They lived on the margins of civilization and took jobs where they could. How were they going to raise a baby on _Serenity_?

Wash and Zoe’s baby.

  
Mal finished the bottle. “Gorram son o’ a  _ bitch, _ ” he said one last time, just to get the rest of his anger out. Then his head hit his pillow and he let the alcohol pull him away into a mercifully dreamless sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my JUST FINISH ALREADY fic pile for a while, so I'm glad it's finally out here. It's pretty short, but I hope you like it. I might add chapters later on, but for now, I'm good with this.


End file.
